Sometimes I get overly attached to odd things. The dead tree in my back yard is one of those things. I have been told by numerous people that the tree should go, and from a logical perspective I know they are right. I was looking at our yard the other day and had to admit it would be nice to have something with leaves, leaves would provide shade, and a little better screen from the yard behind ours with the creepy guy who sometimes just pops his head over the wall without warning. The yard would look less stark, more lush, and more finished. Just the same, while I was sitting outside this morning sipping my coffee I started to cry at the thought of losing my dead tree. I know, I probably should not admit that.
I have written before about my love for this tree. For a dead tree it still has a lot of purpose. It acts as a highway between the two trees on either side of it. Birds love to perch in it and the squirrels run around and chase each other through it. The bark is gradually being peeled away by various animals who use it for their nests. I think the reason I like this tree is that without any leaves I can really see all the animals that come and sit in it. Watching them makes me smile. I know the tree is dead and if it ever had any sort of feeling that is long gone, but I still feel like I am betraying the tree to cut it down and chop it up.
My attachment to this tree is an example of the difficulty I have letting things go. I had to say a lot of goodbyes as a child. My parents lived in two different states and I moved back and forth between them. For some people that kind of change makes them flexible, not me. I have been at the same job for 21 years, in the same house for 14 years, if an animal makes it's way to me I will keep it until it dies no matter how much of a pain it is. A certain amount of sameness makes me feel safe. Rather than letting go of one thing to embrace another I prefer to keep the old and add the new. It is not so much about material things as it is places, situations, animals and people I cling to, and of course the odd plant or two. You might have noticed there is an odd pine tree in the picture with my dead tree, it just started sprouting in the middle of the aloe plant. We don't know how it got there. I of course don't have the heart to remove it even though it looks like some sort of odd deformed pine/aloe mutant.
I am in the process of saying a long goodbye to my dog Roxy. She is 16 , has heart issues and kidney problems and has been in a gradual decline for months. I know that one day I will come home to find she has died, or worse yet that life has ceased to have joy for her and I should do the merciful thing and let her go. I am dreading that day with everything in me. I get tears in my eyes even writing that sentence. I do not know how to let go of what I love so much. I just keep loving the best I can and trying to savor every moment I have.
Maybe if I can let go of the tree it will help me to learn to say goodbye well, so here's to you my dead tree friend:
No buds, no leaves, yet filled with life
twisted branches, witches hair, smoke and fog
superhighway to trees,
ramp to phone lines, thruway to life
perch, playground, filler of nests
dead yet alive
missed before gone
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