Tacky Questions

Normally I am one of those people that tries to give people the benefit of the doubt, to assume that they are not ill-intentioned. Sometimes though there are those moments when I have to bite my tongue to not say something cutting and sarcastic, in particular I am often amazed at what some people will ask without seeming to comprehend how insensitive or even hurtful they are being.

So, here is my vent against all the tacky people, my personal insensitive question hall of fame:

To anyone who has had a loved one die of lung cancer: "Did they smoke?"

Please do not ask this, it may make you feel better about their death knowing that they were responsible for their own disease, but to the person experiencing the loss it makes no difference. It does not offer any comfort, and really what is the point now? Is it siupposed to be OK that they died if they smoked and somehow not OK if they didn't? What I would like to say in response to this question: "Yes they did, thanks for asking, you know that makes me feel so much better because now I know they deserved to die."

Upon hearing that my friend had lost a baby: "Was it their first child or do they already have kids?"

Huh? So, if you already have kids this one doesn't count? I feel like people are always trying to find a way to diminish the sadness of something. You know what, whether it is child number one or ten this sucks, don't diminish it. My sarcastic response: "No they have other children, good point you have there, wait here while I go run and tell them they have no reason to feel bad about losing this one."

To anyone who has adopted a child: This comes in assorted versions but goes along the general lines of "Do you still want children of your own?" , "Couldn't you have children of your own?" or "Did you try to have children of your own?"

This is offensive for multiple reasons, it assumes that adopted kids are second choice, like giving birth is always the preferred method for creating a family but even beyond that it also assumes that the child who is adopted is not "their own" exactly whose are they then? For reasons of my own I will not delve into here this idea that families related by blood are somehow superior to those that are not just infuriates me. Did you not "choose" to create a family with your spouse? Do you love him less? Also, please don't tell someone who has adopted that they will probably get pregnant soon, I don't care how many people you know or have heard of that this has happened to. See above reasons if you want to know why. My sarcastic response: "So whose exactly is this child ?" or if I am feeling particularly snarky: "You know my husband and I have sex like bunnies but we just can't seem to pop one of our own out, we'll just have to settle for these second rate kids." I have several friends who have adopted who can elaborate on this issue much better than I can, but I get indignant on their behalf just the same.

To anyone who has been married five years or more: "So why don't you guys have kids?"

It is probably safe to assume that for most people who want to have children once they have been married for a few years they probably will have done so, so if you know a married couple who have been together for a while and they don't have children they either a) don't want children and the reason is none of your business b) have tried to have children and have been unsuccessful in which case you are raising all sorts of stuff that again is none of your business or c) they don't know why they don't have children and again you are raising issues that are none of your business. The overall tone of the question also suggests that there is something wrong with you in some way for not having children. I am afraid that this question just hits too close to home for me and I have no sarcastic response, I have gotten it so many times you would think I would but it always catches me off guard and I end up stammering something about " it just didn't happen for us "or "not God's plan".

This is where this post digresses. I cannot help but explore this last one a little more. I have been married to my husband for 17 1/2 years now. At one point, like most people, I just assumed I would have kids. It didn't just happen for us. So, I have spent a long time dealing with not being a Mom, how I feel about that, whether we should pursue adoption or fertility treatments or just be OK with not being parents. I have struggled with guilt, and if I deserve to be a Mom or if I am just meant to pursue other things in life. I have been all over the spectrum on how I feel. I wish I could say I just knew one way or the other what was best but I don't. I do not feel like there is a camp for me, I am not a part of the tried everything camp or the adoption camp or the I just know I am not meant to have kids camp. I wish someone would start a people who just have never felt absolutely certain what was right so the choice was just made for them because so much time had passed camp but if there is one I have not found it. It is inevitable that it is when I seem to have gotten to some place of peace that I get blind-sided by one of these type of questions. It is not a straightforward thing to answer for me. It is complex and emotional and the answer is not even clear to me. I am the woman who cries at the Mother's Day and Baby Dedication services not just because I wish I had that but more because I know I have missed something in life and I just don't feel like I have been able to take that step to say I am supposed to be a Mom. So your question that seems so benevolent to you is like a loaded gun that opens up that part of me that struggles with this.

I remember hearing or reading somewhere once (I don't remember where so I can't credit the source) that the best response to an inappropriate question is just to ask back "Why do you want to know?" I think that is perfect. It isn't rude or hurtful back which I may think I want to be but I really don't. Well intentioned people will have a response to it that will soften the previous poor question and may start a great conversation, those that are just being nosy will probably just shut up. I have yet to use it but I am keeping it in my head in hopes that the next time I hear a tacky question that is what will come out of my mouth. If I am guilty of asking you a tacky question please call me out on it, I want to know, you can ask me why I want to know and that will tell me I crossed over the line to tackiness.

I feel a little better now, need a good vent everyone once in a while.