Contradictions

Here is an example of the dichotomy that is my life. As I wrote, this past Saturday our non-profit had an outreach for homeless individuals. By way of contrast, this Saturday my husband and I are leaving for a vacation to Europe where we will spend a week in London and Paris.

Is it just me, or does that feel weird to anyone else? This life, where both of these are things I do, and things I love to do, sometimes can feel like I am wearing two different shoes that do not match. I am more comfortable wearing my go and travel for missions and do outreach things and serve the poor shoe. I have a hard time wearing my take a trip to Europe or go on vacation or buy something nice just for me shoe. Why is it that accepting blessing just for blessings sake can feel so uncomfortable sometimes? I often find myself feeling the need to justify why I have a nice car, or we are taking a vacation. I don't have a problem with anyone else having or doing these things, but I feel like I am doing something wrong and I should try and hide it. Perhaps it is that I know too much, I have seen how far a dollar can go to provide for the poor and I cannot help but do the mental tally of how many trucks full of food, or hygiene kits, or months of schooling my car or vacation or clothes could provide for someone else.

I recognize the wastefulness and vast consumerism of our society and I think it is a good thing to keep a healthy check on that, but I cannot help but wonder, is it sort of a slap in God's face to feel bad about being blessed? I know that it is my hope that the young men that are living in the Brother's United home in Jamaica all find their way to being able to have wives, and homes and jobs and families, to have a nice  comfortable lifestyle. So why is it that when I want the same for me it leaves me squirming?  What is it that bothers me so much, is it the actual having of more than someone else has, or  how I think others will view me, or is it that I do not feel I deserve it?  Probably all three to some degree.  

One of the biggest whys I struggle with in this world is the vast disparity of wealth that exists.  No matter what pretty spin I try to put on it I just don't get it and it makes me a little angry at God sometimes.  Just the same,  I will not lie, I like the comfort I have, I do not want to go and live in poverty voluntarily as some people do.   When I serve the poor I am still glad to come home.  I have no answers, I just keep trying to learn to walk better in my pair of mismatched shoes. 

Perspective

This morning our non-profit Urban Outreach Los Angeles had an outreach in Central Park in Pasadena.  Some friends have been going there every Wednesday evening and doing  a bible study and feeding people pizza for a little over a year.  They have really gotten to know the people and  some  have really started to turn their lives around.  More than that though they have made good friends and become a part of one another's lives.

So, this morning a couple who does catering brought breakfast for everyone and  we just sat and had a meal together, and talked.  We had some socks, and hygiene kits and sleeping bags to give as gifts.  I went around and gave everyone name tags.  I love that job because I get to meet everyone and just say hi, and hopefully remember one or two of their names eventually. I am not always great at starting conversations out of nothing so I like having a task as an opener. 

It is a hard thing to process a day like this, it leaves you with all sorts of emotions and thoughts.  First, I realize that some stories are just a whole lot tougher than others.  Some of it is caused by bad choices, but some of it is just hard luck and tough times.  When you ask someone where they stay and they answer "I sleep outside the Baptist church" or "I stay over there by the self-storage place" it is hard to know what to say.  There are whole families that came, and it is heart breaking to see kids in this circumstance. I also realize how blessed I am, in so many ways, and I know I am no more or less deserving than all of those people in the park.  I struggle with what to do with that. 

One of the ladies I met was Maddie, we talked for a while and I asked if I could pray for her, she asked me to " pray for all of the homeless people, because no one should have to live like this." Well said Maddie.  May God bless and keep every one of you tonight wherever your heads come to rest.

  

Lists

In my last post I made a list let's call it "Ten Things I Hate About Me". It is easy for me to get in that mode, to focus on the things that are wrong,  in my life or especially in myself.

Today I was reading a friend of a friends blog http://susanisaacs.blogspot.com/ and she had a list there too. It was a list of things she is grateful for. It got me to thinking about how much of how we feel is based on where we choose to focus. When I am looking at what is bad about me, it is so easy to dwell in that place and see everything through those glasses. In that mode I am certain that no one likes me, and I don't blame them. Susan reminded me that if we focus on what is good in our lives everything gets a little brighter, and a little clearer.

She also reminded me of what a horrible thing comparison is. It is usually in the face of comparison to others that I can make myself feel the smallest. Someone else has all of the qualities, or the talents, or the job or the house that I think I would like to have. The thing is, if I really examine the totality of someone else's life I don't really want it. I just want a little piece of it. In my comparison world I would like for other people's lives to be a smorgasbord where I could have that one's sense of humor, and that one's body, with her job, and another's kids, and someone else's home. If I had to take all of what someone else has I always find myself saying no, I would rather have what I have.

I don't want to keep looking at the world through this patch of gloom I let myself rest in sometimes. Today, I want to choose to look for the good stuff, and I just dare the clouds to try and stick around. So here's a new list, the list of things I am grateful for today:

My husband who comes about as close to loving me unconditionally as any human ever has.

My dogs, Roxy, Hogan, and JoJo who almost always make me smile. To be greeted every time you walk in the door with a celebration of jumping and wiggling and little doggy squeals is just a good thing to come home to.  It does not matter if you are gone five days or five minutes, there is a party when you arrive.  It may seem silly but I use them as my model for greeting people.  I am not going to hump your leg or anything but I hope when you walk in my door you know how glad I am to see you.  I could write a whole list about these three and the joy they bring me, but that is a post for another day.

Morning mist.  I love to sit in my back yard in the morning when there is that little layer of fog.  Everything looks like it is being filmed through gauze and it is cool, and the birds and squirrels are all out playing in the trees.

The dead tree in my back yard.  Ou neighbors want  to remove it, but I love this dead tree.  It has all of these branches that look like a big head of twisted up witches hair.  The squirrels run and chase each other through the branches, and because there are no leaves you can watch them in all of their antics.  The animals come and take little pieces of bark off the tree to use for their nests , so the trunk is gradually being peeled back to its core.   I don't know, there is just something I like about something dead still having so much life in it.  

Having purpose.  My life is pretty full right now.  Between my regular job, and helping at ReSource, and Urban Outreach and Jamaica, and being a wife and a mom to four dogs and a cat, and all my other roles in life, there is always something that needs to be done.  Sometimes this overwhelms me, but  mostly it is a good thing.  If  I have too much unstructured time I get in my head too much and then I get depressed.  I might like to have more time to focus in on certain parts of my life where I find the most joy but really for me busy is a good thing.

Knowing God, and knowing he is always with me when I feel it and even more when I don't.  

Nuff said.

Starting to write

Lately, I have been sensing that I just need to start writing.  There has been this theme of story running through my life, and hitting me from all directions. I believe that every one of us has a story and that we are meant to share them with one another, that your story and mine have value.  

The title of this blog has multiple meanings to me, it reflects both what I am, and what I wish I were, how I see myself and how I believe others see me, what I show the world and what lies  beneath the surface.  

I took a couple of those random personality tests that you can find online, these particular ones were geared at telling you if you are an introvert or an extrovert, the first one said I am extremely introverted and the second that I am an extrovert, who does not examine my internal life.  The truth is I have both sides,  but as I looked at the results all I could think was: I don't know what I really am, and neither do these tests.  

So my hope is that as I begin to write and just pour out my thoughts perhaps I will get a little better picture of who I am through my own words.  I am not writing for an audience but if you happen to find this page, welcome to my story.  

Part of what I am hoping here is to discover what makes me so afraid to live my own story.  One of my greatest fears is that when I get to the end of my life I will have lived a mediocre life.  All too often though I settle for the safe.  Sometimes because I am afraid, but too often I think I am just lazy.  I hate that about myself.  Truthfully,  are a lot of things I hate about me.  Making a list of those things is way easier than making a list of things I like.  But in the spirit of truth here is what I hate about me:

I can be incredibly selfish, especially toward my husband. I often think I want my own happiness more than his, or I want to do what I want to do without regard for him.

I can fall into laziness, I have many things I want to do in my head, but when I have time I don't do them.  This is especially true of household projects like repainting or cleaning out the shed in the back.

I do not really trust God: it makes me wonder sometimes if I can really call myself a Christian when I can be so filled with so much doubt so often.even thought I say I am a Christian.  

I let fear hold me back way too often.

I judge people way more often than I would lie to admit to.  Usually it is the people I disagree with that I judge most harshly and I feel sort of justified in doing it.  But it is still wrong, and I hate that in my heart I can be so critical.  

I am afraid to really let go and allow myself to do anything wholeheartedly, like dance, or sing, or draw.

I value what other people think way too much.

I have let myself get out of shape and fat, and I hate the way I look.

I think I may be boring.  That seems like a horrible thing to be to me.

I want to be brilliant at something but I think I am middle of the road at just about everything.  I hate it.  

Sometimes, I don't feel happy for other people when good things happen to them, I pretend that I do because it is how I wished I felt.  This seems to be true especially when I don't think they deserve it, or if it is something I would like to happen to me.  I hate it when I feel like this.  I would really like to be genuinely happen for anyone something good happens to.  

Enough hate for one night. the next real challenge is to try and write that other list. Now that is going to take some God intervention.