Starting to write

Lately, I have been sensing that I just need to start writing.  There has been this theme of story running through my life, and hitting me from all directions. I believe that every one of us has a story and that we are meant to share them with one another, that your story and mine have value.  

The title of this blog has multiple meanings to me, it reflects both what I am, and what I wish I were, how I see myself and how I believe others see me, what I show the world and what lies  beneath the surface.  

I took a couple of those random personality tests that you can find online, these particular ones were geared at telling you if you are an introvert or an extrovert, the first one said I am extremely introverted and the second that I am an extrovert, who does not examine my internal life.  The truth is I have both sides,  but as I looked at the results all I could think was: I don't know what I really am, and neither do these tests.  

So my hope is that as I begin to write and just pour out my thoughts perhaps I will get a little better picture of who I am through my own words.  I am not writing for an audience but if you happen to find this page, welcome to my story.  

Part of what I am hoping here is to discover what makes me so afraid to live my own story.  One of my greatest fears is that when I get to the end of my life I will have lived a mediocre life.  All too often though I settle for the safe.  Sometimes because I am afraid, but too often I think I am just lazy.  I hate that about myself.  Truthfully,  are a lot of things I hate about me.  Making a list of those things is way easier than making a list of things I like.  But in the spirit of truth here is what I hate about me:

I can be incredibly selfish, especially toward my husband. I often think I want my own happiness more than his, or I want to do what I want to do without regard for him.

I can fall into laziness, I have many things I want to do in my head, but when I have time I don't do them.  This is especially true of household projects like repainting or cleaning out the shed in the back.

I do not really trust God: it makes me wonder sometimes if I can really call myself a Christian when I can be so filled with so much doubt so often.even thought I say I am a Christian.  

I let fear hold me back way too often.

I judge people way more often than I would lie to admit to.  Usually it is the people I disagree with that I judge most harshly and I feel sort of justified in doing it.  But it is still wrong, and I hate that in my heart I can be so critical.  

I am afraid to really let go and allow myself to do anything wholeheartedly, like dance, or sing, or draw.

I value what other people think way too much.

I have let myself get out of shape and fat, and I hate the way I look.

I think I may be boring.  That seems like a horrible thing to be to me.

I want to be brilliant at something but I think I am middle of the road at just about everything.  I hate it.  

Sometimes, I don't feel happy for other people when good things happen to them, I pretend that I do because it is how I wished I felt.  This seems to be true especially when I don't think they deserve it, or if it is something I would like to happen to me.  I hate it when I feel like this.  I would really like to be genuinely happen for anyone something good happens to.  

Enough hate for one night. the next real challenge is to try and write that other list. Now that is going to take some God intervention.

Why I Started This

No particular reason at all.

This is a place for me to explore my own thoughts and document my journey. I don't intend to advertise it to anyone, so if you find it God bless you and welcome, I will assume you are meant to be here.

I have been reading a book recently called What I Believe, it is a collection of essays which were originally broadcast on NPR. It got me to thinking about what I believe, and I came to realize that there is very little I know for certain. I envy those who walk around in certainty, knowing what they think and what they know. I am not that. Most often I can see both sides of any issue, give me a debate topic and I could probably throw down a legitimate argument for either side. I am a doubter, a questioner, a seeker of truth who does not always know if she has found it or not.

I have found that my beliefs continue to change, sometimes over years, more often they change daily or even within a day. I used to be a dedicated Democrat, then I took a lean toward being a Republican, now I am neither. I cannot put my foot firmly in either camp, and I feel like it would get muddy anywhere I try to set it down.

At the same time, while internally I am constantly asking questions, I think on the outside people see me differently, like I know what I think and believe. I am sure I often state my opinions that way, I declare with more absoluteness in the moment of discussion than I feel in the later contemplation of it.  I was told by someone once that "I thought I knew everything"  it was the most stinging indictment I have ever felt because it was so inaccurate, but yet I knew somehow this was how I had come across to this person.   So, I am seeking to be real with myself here, to write my unvarnished truth. To not try to convey myself in the most flattering light because I want people to think well of me.  I want to find out what is really true for me as best as I can in the place that I am.  As Donald Miller says, that is a hard thing to do because we are so full of crap.  I hope to wash away the crap and see what is underneath.