Contradictions

Here is an example of the dichotomy that is my life. As I wrote, this past Saturday our non-profit had an outreach for homeless individuals. By way of contrast, this Saturday my husband and I are leaving for a vacation to Europe where we will spend a week in London and Paris.

Is it just me, or does that feel weird to anyone else? This life, where both of these are things I do, and things I love to do, sometimes can feel like I am wearing two different shoes that do not match. I am more comfortable wearing my go and travel for missions and do outreach things and serve the poor shoe. I have a hard time wearing my take a trip to Europe or go on vacation or buy something nice just for me shoe. Why is it that accepting blessing just for blessings sake can feel so uncomfortable sometimes? I often find myself feeling the need to justify why I have a nice car, or we are taking a vacation. I don't have a problem with anyone else having or doing these things, but I feel like I am doing something wrong and I should try and hide it. Perhaps it is that I know too much, I have seen how far a dollar can go to provide for the poor and I cannot help but do the mental tally of how many trucks full of food, or hygiene kits, or months of schooling my car or vacation or clothes could provide for someone else.

I recognize the wastefulness and vast consumerism of our society and I think it is a good thing to keep a healthy check on that, but I cannot help but wonder, is it sort of a slap in God's face to feel bad about being blessed? I know that it is my hope that the young men that are living in the Brother's United home in Jamaica all find their way to being able to have wives, and homes and jobs and families, to have a nice  comfortable lifestyle. So why is it that when I want the same for me it leaves me squirming?  What is it that bothers me so much, is it the actual having of more than someone else has, or  how I think others will view me, or is it that I do not feel I deserve it?  Probably all three to some degree.  

One of the biggest whys I struggle with in this world is the vast disparity of wealth that exists.  No matter what pretty spin I try to put on it I just don't get it and it makes me a little angry at God sometimes.  Just the same,  I will not lie, I like the comfort I have, I do not want to go and live in poverty voluntarily as some people do.   When I serve the poor I am still glad to come home.  I have no answers, I just keep trying to learn to walk better in my pair of mismatched shoes.