Resolving to resolve

It's that time of year again. You know, when you are supposed to examine your life and decide what you want to do, or change or be during the next year. I have mixed feelings about the whole process. I believe in setting goals, and self examination is necessary if we ever want to change but I am beginning to have my doubts about how accurate it really is.

Some of the kindest, best people I know can be really hard on themselves when they start looking inward. In general, I would say they are better than they see themselves and it got me to wondering how accurate are we when we self-assess? Have you ever noticed that it seems like the people who need to change the least are the ones that see all the things they need to work on while the biggest jerks see themselves as pretty darn OK?

So I started to wonder if maybe it would be better if we could have someone else make our lists for us. Someone who could be honest yet kind. If I could see myself through the eyes of a kind friend what would I see? Maybe it would be a little closer to the way God sees us, with full knowledge of our flaws yet a love so complete it surpasses understanding. I am hoping that this year I have eyes that see people that way more often, and maybe, just maybe get even a little glimpse of myself.

After writing this, I was talking with someone about resolutions, she had some funny ones. She had resolved to not work out in the winter time, and some other things like that. I am trying to keep my thinking in the positive mode these days but I decided I liked her idea of not making them about work, so here are a couple of my resolutions:

I resolve to be just plain silly more.

I am going to remember the nice stuff that happens in my life, even write it down so I can't forget.

That's a start.

Why I Love My Husband

There are lots of reasons, but one is that he is the only person I ever have conversations like this with:

Me: "So, how did they connect the pieces of the sectional together?" (In reference to our new couch which I was not home when they delivered).

Hubby: (After only the slightest of hesitations) "There is a monkey behind the couch holding the pieces together. His name is Coochallo."

Me: "So you're saying we have a couch monkey?"

Hubby: "Yes, Coochallo the couch monkey."

Me: "Man I can just see Jojo, going crazy with this, I will get you you crazy couch monkey!" (Proceed to break down in hysterical laughter at the idea of a couch monkey and how our crazy dog would react.)

Where do these things come from? I don't know. I love that about him.

Got Hope?

You know that noise that you heard in the Charlie Brown cartoons whenever an adult was talking to one of the kids? That is what I hear when it comes to politics. I have been surrounded by a lot of people who have felt very passionate about one candidate or the other, they are all wrapped up in it and I just haven't ever gotten there. Not that I don't have opinions, I do.

I am glad that our new president won in many ways. I think it was time we had a President who is not a white male, and I hope the fact he is not does something toward creating a better dialogue about race in our country. So, I am happy for those who pinned their hopes on that. I cried when I saw the tears of joy of the civil rights leaders after Obama won, I think they ahve earned this moment in history. We still have a long way to go, but I am glad for this moment. I also like the way he talks and inspires people to feel hopeful about our country, he seems to be good at that. Maybe in this time that is what we need, obviously it is what most of our country wants.

The problem for me is I could not get behind him from an intellectual perspective. I don't agree with his economic philosophy. I am hoping I am wrong about what it means for us as small business owners and for our country as a democratic society. I just don't happen to think that government is very good at solving problems like poverty and injustice. They waste way too much in the process, and too often they create a dependence that starts an unending cycle. I have seen people who are much more effective at an individual level and I think that when we start to believe that it is the government's role many people abdicate their personal responsisbility for these issues. I believe in the basic goodness of the people of this country and I think we as "the people" can do a better job than the government. I don't think the Republicans do a good job either, their philosophy just comes closer to my fundamental belief in individual rights and responsibility.

The truth is I had a really hard time working up any strong feelings for either party in this election. I started to ask myself why when everyone around me was getting all worked up do I feel so ambivalent. Then it struck me, they do not have my hope. My hope is not in Barack Obama, or John McCain, or the government, or the economy or even the world. My hope lies in the one who could topple them all with a breath if he so chose. That is where my hope is and that is where I am keeping it. So, I sympathize with all of my friends who are disappointed and stressing and I am happy for all my friends who are rejoicing and gloating, but me I am just resting right where I was before it began and right where I will be when it is over.

I have a hope.

Roxy Girl

Note: We ended up talking Roxy to the vet on October 13 to have her put to sleep. Rest in peace my good girl.

I haven't written lately because every time I sit down to write I start and then stop for lack of words. Maybe it's writer's block but I also feel like I get tired of writing about sadness. I started to post a video but it wouldn't upload so I gave up. So I expect no profundity here, just trying to write something to get over writing nothing.


It has been an interesting week full of both great and hard stuff.


On the great side, we had my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary party. It was amazing. It was interesting to be sort of a part of but outside something at the same time. Obviously they are my family, but the party was mainly this group of friends they have had for years and all of their families. When my in-laws were young this whole group of people who all shared a common Dutch Indonesian heritage shared their holidays together and the children became like cousins to one another. Not having their families here they became a family. At the party, many of them had not been together for 20 or 30 years, so it became one big celebration and reunion for both the parents and the kids who are all now adults and have children of their own. There is a sweetness to those relationships that was really touching to watch. Everyone was truly delighted to be together and they talked and danced and laughed and ate lots of food. I did not know many of the people but I liked them because of the sweetness that filled the room by their being together.



On the awful side, my dog Roxy is at the point that I am having to decide when it is time to let go of her. When she is awake she paces and walks in circles and gets stuck under or behind things as she follows the walls of our house around leaning on them for support. I know she is not going to get better, it is just incredibly difficult to make that call to say enough. It is so final. I keep saying goodbye but I just can't make the leap to actually taking her to the vet to put her to sleep. I am starting to feel cruel for hanging on to her.


I have shared sixteen years of life with this dog, and from the start she has been mine even though I did not intend for her to be. We got her after my beloved cat Misty died. I did not have the heart to get another cat, so Lloyd picked out Roxy. I was determined that I would not get attached because my heart was still so raw, but within the first day of her being home she captured me. She was a tiny little ball of black and white fluff who waddled around and was so small she could not jump from the grass to the deck. She managed to figure it out within a couple of hours though. We would try and contain her with baaby gates while she was being potty trained but she would always get out. Finally we watched as this little puppy climbed a baby gate. To this day she exhibits that tenacity.


She has survived longer than she should have. When she was only a year old she got out of the yard during the Northridge earthquake when the fenceshook open. Neighbors described seeing a little black dog running as fast as she could every time an aftershock would hit. We spent hours walking and driving around looking for her and Lloyd finally found her several hours after the quake about two street below ours. After that we called her Roxy Escape Lamb but she never left the yard after that day even when we left the gate open.


When she was five she got doggy breast cancer. She had two surgeries and a year of chemotherapy but has been cancer free since.


She used to be a food scavenger and amongst items she stole off the table were an entire cheese platter ( I found a sea of toothpicks on the living room floor) and a bunch of shrimp tails discarded but left on a table. The shrimp tails did not digest well and ended up causing two days of treatment on IV fluids. Since then, her stomach has never been the same and I have cooked batches of chicken and rice for her to eat as her staple diet. She never stole anything off the table after that.


We have spent countless hours walking together. For most of her life Roxy has been my faithful walking companion willing to walk in any weather for as long as I wanted. She was my trooper who would go with me when no one else wanted to.

Roxy was never one of those dogs who just loved anyone, she has taste and discretion. She is not mean to people but she just never saw any reason to throw herself at people she didn't know. She would pick and choose a few people she liked and that was enough for her. Leave all the shameless face licking and leg scratching of strangers to Hogan, Roxy has always had to have her affection earned. But once earned no more loyal or faithful companion could be asked for. I remember when she was a puppy the house where we lived had its entry way up aset of steps that was probably seven feet off the ground. If we did not watch her Roxy would leap off the front porch to get to one of us when we came home in her excitement to see us.


I miss you already girl. I am trying to be as faithful to you as you ahve been to me but it is hard to think of not seeing you every day. Here's hoping that doggy heaven has a nice long stretch of hard packed beach sand filled with loads of seagulls to chase. Save a place for me on the shore.

Hard Stuff

It has been a hard week. I have found that one of the biggest challenges of trying to walk the walk of being a Christian is owning a business and employing people. Finding the balance of showing grace yet holding people accountable, and just trying to be kind in the midst of all the pressure and stress takes its toll. There are a lot of times when I do not feel like I am being a very good rep for Christ. Since most of our employees are not Christians, it nmakes me feel bad to think they could use me as an example for why they don't like Christians. I know every day that we need God to show up in the midst of trying to do this, my strength is nowhere near adequate. It does not always feel like he does show up though, and quite often I go my own way and screw it up.



When my husband and I started this business we really wanted to help people who needed jobs. The thing is, sometimes people don't want to be helped and they can leave you feeling pretty used. Aside from that people are just plain messy. Sometimes it seems like our employees are especially so. When someone works for you you have no choice but to deal with their stuff. We would love to be able to just extend continual grace and let people take their time and work through things but we have a manufacturing company. If parts don't get out the door we don't get paid. There is a lot of pressure, and it is intense and incredibly precise work, when things don't go well it can be like a pressure cooker that needs to let off steam that has no release valve.


Sometimes as hard as we try to work through things we end up having to fire someone. It is really hard, and it leaves me feeling like we have failed this person. As much as we would like it too, things rarely seem to end well. It makes me sad. Someone who has been a part of our lives and who we really hoped would succeed is now gone and gone with everyone left feeling bad.


Being a boss really sucks sometimes.

Lemon Tree Oh So Pretty

Yes, I am writing yet another post about a tree.  By this blog you might think I am a gardener, but that is not the case. In reality I  have a brown thumb.  No house plant is safe within my domain.  That is why I am so very thrilled about my little lemon tree. We planted this tree back in February.  For the longest time it had this one enormous lemon that was on it when we bought it.  I finally picked that lemon because it was becoming an odd color.  Well this week my little tree finally began to show signs of having a crop of lemons.  I am thrilled. I keep going out every day to check on them to see if they have grown. 

This tree is important to me, and not just because of my usual quality of getting over attached to odd things.    Last year my dear friend lost her wonderful dog Miller to cancer.  Because she rents her home, she asked if we would let her bury Miller's ashes in our yard and maybe plant something in his memory.  I said sure.  Our dog Pooka is already  buried in the back yard.  (Do you think I need to disclose the pet cemetary in the backyard if we ever sell our house?)  Not too long after Miller died someone broke into my friend's house and the only thing they chose to steal besides a few small unimportant items was my friend's other dog Buddy.  It was devastating.  When we finally got around to burying Miller and planting the tree we decided to make it a tribute to all of the dear animals who have been part of our lives. We hung pet tags with each of their names on the tree.  I was really afraid I would kill the tree given my underwhelming success with plants.  I have faithfully watered this little tree twice a week like the nursery suggested since we planted it, and though many other plants have fallen victim  to the brown thumb the lemon tree has thrived. 

There is something that I like about planting something living  to honor those we no longer have with us.  I think it suggests the idea of death not being the end.  After my Dad died we planted three aspen trees in memory of him at the house we had in Big Bear.  They were outside our living room window and when the wind blew the leaves would rustle like wind chimes.  It sort of felt like my dad saying hi to me.  It struck me this week that the trees we planted to replace dead tree are similar to those trees which makes me like them more. 

 I also spent weeks planting bulbs all around the house in Big Bear.  There were tulips and daffodils and crocus, probably about 200 altogether.  We sold the house before I got to see them bloom and I have always wondered what it was like for the new owners when spring came and suddenly all of these flowers burst onto the scene.  We have some bulbs in our front yard here and it always seems like one day they are not there and the next day they are.  When I see them  it reminds me of a heavenly chorus, and I have to raise my voice in a high pitched Ohhhhhhhhh.  I hope my flowers made someone sing like that.   

Bleckkkkk

Can I just say, I really hate politics. More than anything I hate the way that it divides people. People on one side suddenly seem to think it is OK to name call and say hateful things about the other side, and ordinarily kind hearted people seem to turn sort of ugly when it comes to whomever they disagree with.


I have found that even some authors I ordinarily love like Anne Lammott I just cannot read when they start delving into the political realm. It feels to me like on both the liberal and the conservative side it is just too easy for people to start labelling those who do not agree with their point of view as wrong or bad. I am not sure what happened to the civilized discussion of ideas but it seems to have gotten lost somewhere along the way. One of my favorite bloggers wrote about this and I agree with her, she says it better and funnier than I do so you can read it here.


Many people start out their tirades saying they do not want to judge and then proceed to do exactly that. It all leaves me feeling nauseous. In some ways I just hope that whoever will cause the largest number of hate mongering people to be quiet will win. I am tired of walking around feeling queasy all the time.